Journaling

The Seeker’s Guide, Elizabeth Lesser

Original Blessing, Matthew Fox

Field Notes on the Compassionate Life: A Search for the Soul of Kindness, Marc Ian Barasch

Dark Side of the Light Chasers, Debbie Ford

Soul Without Shame: A Guide to Liberating Yourself from the Judge within, Byron Brown

We are well into the second month of 2010. By now, most of us can crank out “2010″ without a thought or a strike-through when we write the date, but how many of us have created some new habits that will support our dreams for 2010? Often, the larger question is, where do I begin? Without knowing where to begin, the chances are good that we never will and another year of mediocrity will be in the works as we remain on auto-pilot with our behaviors.

Fear not! Here’s a quick little exercise that will assist you in determining where to start. Think of it as a short diagnostic test.

1. Draw a large circle on a piece of 8.5 x 11 paper and divide it into 8  pie shaped pieces of equal size. Inside each wedge, label them as follows: Money & Finances, Health & Wellness, Primary Relationship, Family & Friends, Spiritual Development, Home & Surroundings, Fun & Leisure, and finally, Work & Career.

2. Rate each area of your life on a scale of 1-5, 5 being the highest, indicating your current level of satisfaction. Think of your experiences and achievements in each area as you rate it.

3. Look over them again and evaluate the percentage of your time that you spend developing each area  of the circle. Your total allotment for all eight areas should equal 100%.

4. Look over each area once more and evaluate the amount of energy, positive or negative, you devote to each area. For example, I may spend 80% of my energy worrying about my health or body, but only 5% on actually taking actions that will improve my level of satisfaction in that area.

Check back for what to do next, Step 2, in my next blog.

Good Luck!

We all go through troublesome times. That’s part of life if you are a human. And it’s not the times that are the trouble, but more what we make them mean about us, how we interpret times,  that create trouble in our lives.

For example, if we make a mistake, we can give ourselves a break, make a correction and move on. Conversely, we can confuse our actions with our identity and believe that WE are a mistake.

I’ve got a newsflash here that can change your life. Let yourself off the hook! Forgive yourself for being human. The only person in the world who expects you to be perfect is YOU. Stop it!

The biggest culprit in self-sabbotage is an unforgiving spirit toward ourselves. Once we start down the road of self-flagellation, it’s the beginning of a deep spiral until we are at the bottom of an abyss. When we are in such a deep hole, it’s difficult to know how to get out. Sometimes we stay stuck there for a long time, perhaps even years. The way out is forgiveness. Forgive, but don’t forget how desparate it feels to be alone in our own self-constructed prison.

One way to support yourself in this practice is to look yourself in the mirror and say, “I forgive you for……” Another powerful action step is to write a letter of forgiveness to yourself. Seriously. There is magical transformational power in the simple act of self-forgiveness.

Forgive yourself. Who are you NOT to forgive yourself? And never forget that you hold the key to your freedom.

I just had the experience of watching a family meet the newest member of their family a few moments ago. It was moving for me to witness the celebration of a new life. This particular hospital plays a lullaby over the intercom each time a baby is born. As I hear it now, I am grateful it is not for our baby,

I began this blog in late August, while stationed at the hospital where my daughter was trying to keep her remaining twin daughter in utero long enough to give her a fighting chance at life. We lost her identical twin sister at 19 weeks, after an intra-uteran surgical procedure in an attempt to save the girls, Harper and Reese.

The girls developed a rare disorder of the placenta that can only occur in identical twins, It is know as twin to twin transfusion syndrome, or TTTS. In very lay terms, that means that they share vascular connections in which one baby becomes the “donor” and the other baby becomes the “recipient. The donor baby does not receive enough blood to develop properly and the recipient baby has too much fluid, which causes congestive heart failure.

We lost the donor baby, Harper, in the early hours after the surgery and were told of the risks to Reese as she continued to develop. Through love and prayers and a blanket of positive energy, my daughter was able to postpone birth of both babies until 25 weeks. My surviving granddaughter weight 1 pound, 12 ounces when she was born on Septmember 10. Her due date was December 23.

It has been a long road for her mother and father, but they have shown nothing but courage and hope and faith. Courage to face so many obstacles during their first prenancy, hope that all woud be as it should be and faith that little Harper is exactly where she is supposed to be.

Reese got to come home right before Chrismas on her due date and has continued to thrive and grow. There is no feeling like watching her grow and improve daily and observing her journey has taught me that if she can make it through all of her obstables as a tiny micro-preemie baby, I have no excuses. I can do anything.

If you are curious about TTTS they have a foundation and a website:http://tttsfoundation.org

and if you have a friend or loved one who has recently been diagnosed with twins, make certain they know if there is one  placenta. This is a significat indicator of the syndrome, and if diagnosed early enough, there is hope to save both babies.

Our little angel, Harper, is my constant reminder to get the word out about TTTS.

For some of us, there is an unwritten rule, a standard code of conduct, if you will, that prevents us from admitting when we are wrong. In the face of a question or accusation, usually our first instinct is to go on the defensive. Generally speaking, most conflicts we have with others occurs when we are both trying to be right. Following our unstated code of conduct, we defend our postitions even when to do so is not in our own best interest.

Our position can be one that makes us miserable and unhappy, but we cling to it because of our desperate need to be right. The cost of this behavior is pretty simple to identify. Our addiction to being right denies us joy, peace, contentment, happy relationships and fulfillment. That’s a hefty price to pay for unhappiness. But, for a brief moment, we get to feel self-righteous and superior, even if we are all alone.

What do you think would be possible if you could simply admit that you are wrong when you are? Would the sky fall? Would the world stop turning? Would you die? No, no and no.

Defending a position at all costs is a dead end road. But it is good for some things. It’s a safe bet that this behavior will lead you to indulgence in all of your favorite excuses and will keep you stuck.

An unwillingness to admit when we are wrong does not serve us if we want to grow and transform our lives. We use all of our valuable energy to hold onto this old behavior and have none left to cultivate new behaviors and perspectives that will set us free from a painful past.

Take time to notice what your need to be right costs you in terms of energy, relationships, peace of mind and happiness.  Think of something that you’ve been fighting to be right about and consider letting go. Be willing to see how you contributed to the situation and take responsibility for it.

After all, would you rather be right or be happy?

I’ve got a great way to create an instant shift in the way we experience life. Take the week off! I don’t mean being absent from work, family, friends or other aspects of our daily life.

What would be possible if for just one week, we stopped listening to our negative internal dialog? What if we took the week off from making ourselves and others wrong? What would be possible if everything going on around us is merely “interesting?”

Beating ourselves up mentally and emotionally is a habit that is seriously self-limiting. Often, the current of our internal dialog is so powerful that we give up on ourselves, others, life in general and we just exist in a fog of monotonous lack of self-awareness. We live a life of nothing special.

Take this week off! Here’s an assignment. Take a few quiet minutes and write down all of the negative things you can think of about yourself, all the ways you make yourself wrong, all the ways you feel like a failure. Then, look over the list in a detatched way. Take the “Hmm, this is interesting,” approach.

Next do two things. One,  reframe the negative as a positive, for example “I’m lazy” might be reframed as “I know how to relax.” Step two is to imagine yourself saying these internal judgements to your child. Think about it. Would you ever tell your child or anyone else’s that they are fat and lazy or stupid and clumsy?

The fact is that many of us would treat a stranger on the street more kindly than we treat ourselves. We would have more compasion and understanding at the very least. Yet, we treat ourselves in some very heartless ways.

Do it…take the week off!

I couldn’t sleep last night, so I turned on what I thought would be mind-numbing television. I landed on the program “intervention.” I’ve seen it before, but something about the people featured last night seemed all too familiar.  It was their pain, their deep emotional pain.

I’ve experienced deep emotional pain many times. Because of this, I often work with those who are in emotional pain. There is something in having lived the experience that helps me help others and that helps me.

What I’ve learned is that the pain we feel won’t kill us, but our strategies for coping and avoiding our pain has lethal potential. Drug and alcohol use and abuse are not uncommon strategies and we all know by now that drugs and alcohol can kill us, or if not, destroy our lifestyle and relationships to the point that we are at risk of no longer wanting to live.

But what if we choose a coping strategy that is intangible? What if we create default behaviors, beliefs and thoughts that may help us avoid experiencing pain directly,but actually keeps us in some other form of those feelings we are trying so hard to avoid?

Denial, arrogance, victimization or anger are just a few of the ways we can find to cope. If I had to choose one that I see most often and the one that causes the most suffering, I would have to say it is that of victimization. Once we become victims of anything or anyone, we have abdicated responsibility for our lives and give up all of our own power. Making ourselves a victim hurts and is guaranteed to keep us stuck in our own personal hell. There’s no other way to say it.

The good news is the victim mentality truly is “all in our head” and we have the power and responsibility to change our minds any time we want to do so. There is no master manipulator who is placing disempowering thoughts in our minds. We do this to ourselves.

Being a victim is also a great excuse to never try, to never take personal responsibility for the condition we find ourselves in. As long as “it” is someone else’s fault, we can simmer in our own self-righteousness until we cook our own goose, to use an old phrase. We remain, poor us…if only…

It’s not a crime or shameful to experience dark emotions such as grief, sadness, vulnerability, shame, anger or hopelessness. These are all a part of our human experience. We, alone, to the best of my knowledge, are the only creatures who are imbued with the unique ability to experience emotions. We may not like feeling them, but it is inherent to our species. We will feel pain, we can count on it. It may be uncomfortable, but we will not die.

When a moment of darkness falls over me, I like to close my eyes and visualize floating in the ocean, just off shore, just beyond the break water. The waves come, but as I relax and do not resist them, they raise me up on the backs of their swells and roll beneath me on their way to shore.

There will always be the rise and fall of our emotions. That’s what it means to be human. It’s what we do with them that determines the lives we live. We have emotions, but we are NOT our emotions. Intervene on your own behalf the next time you feel about to be over-taken by your emotions. Close your eyes and surrender to your experience. Trust me, you’ll live to talk about it.

“You must have a room or a certain hour of the day or so where you do not know what was in the morning paper…a place where you can simply experience and bring forth what you are, and what you might be….At first you may find nothing’s happening…But if you have a sacred place and use it, take advantage of it, something will happen.”

–Joseph Campbell

A few weeks ago and then, again, a few days ago, something amazing happened. When I dug through my mail, doing my usual sorting, I found more than the junk and the inevitable bills, I stumbled across this new category of postal mail. I tore into these envelopes recklessly to get to something that is rare these days.I found real, live, personally hand-written notes from a friend and one of my daughters. As I read the words, I smiled and I was touched deeply.

We live in a fast paced, high tech world in which communication is almost instantanious and constant. This has come to be essential in the world of business, to be sure. The ease of instant messaging, texting or emailing is something even the most reluctant among us has adopted or at least warmed up to.

But, there is just something so personal about a hand written note in these days when electronic communication is the norm. It took extra time, thought and effort. It also took something I’m not rich in and that is patience. Yes, it does take a day or two for “snail mail” to deliver our thoughts to a real live mail box, rather than an electronic inbox. We have to wait for the delivery…but sometimes, waiting for it makes it more meaningful.

In coaching, we speak always to living a balanced life and reaching out to friends and family is part of that balance. We want to give our attention to the people in our lives, but sometimes we tend to make it hard, so we avoid it. But, hard is just a story, just an excuse to ignore our own need and the need of others to connect.

Why not grab some blank note cards the next time you’re at the store, get a great pen and some stamps (you can order these online!) and start a campaign, set an intention: I will reach out to one person I know and want to stay in touch with by personally written and mailed notes each week.

You can still use facebook to keep up, but for those of us with hundreds of facebook friends, that’s a great place to start for candidates. Among your friends, who would you like to add a special thought through a hand written note? There are only 52 weeks in the year! So many friends, so little time! Get goin’ and I promise you that you’ll enjoy the experience of writing the note just as much as the recipient will when the note is opened and read.

I write today from my bed, a place I have spent the last 10 days, more or less, trying to recover from a cold or the flu. The diagnosis doesn’t matter to me so much as the treatment, so we are treating the symptoms and I am recovering. I’m grateful that I am an otherwise healthy woman and have a strong biological defense system.

This sudden knock-out from my daily life, this transient health issue has reminded me of just how fragile life is, of how fine the line can be between fully functioning to flack on my back. In short, I’ve spent some of this time dwelling on all that I have to be grateful for.

It’s easy for us, as human beings, to lose sight of the miracles that surround us daily. We take so much of our lives for granted because we can. But what could our lives be if we practiced a little Gratitude?

I can tell you from personal experience that anything becomes possible from a place of gratitude. Choosing to see life in general or in any particular situation through the eyes of gratitude creates a profound internal shift. It’s a relief to know that there are forces at work on our behalf that are effortless.

Through my years of practicing Gratitude, I have come to understand that it is the small things, at least for me, for which I am most grateful. I am grateful for my breath, a simple autonomous and unconscious action on my part, that allows me to experience my human life. I don’t have to think about it, but without it, I would have no life.

This morning I felt gratitude at my first cup of coffee, which soothed my sore throat. I was also grateful that I enjoyed it in bed because my husband always brings it to me in bed

This grateful thought led me to how grateful I am to have my husband in my life, that he came to me in a time that I was broken down and broken hearted at the sudden loss of my now deceased spouse. I felt I could never love again, but I remember walking the dog down a familiar route and asking God to lift me up in Grace.

This brings me to connect with the deeper gratitude I have for Divine Grace, that invisible power that covers us all always and we cash in on in times of great need. We are always covered and we never have to pay a premium. Gratitude comes in all sizes and shapes, as unique as each one of us, and custom made for our unique life experiences. It’s hard to believe in this day and age, but its FREE. It’s ours for the taking if we just reach for it with a grateful heart. It is the salve that heals all wounds, all anger and all emotional upsets.

To say “thank you” is an act of surrender and that is where many of us, as humans, get caught up. We, in a manner of egoic insanity, want to labor under the story or illusion that we are in control of the contents of our lives. I assert that there is a difference between being responsible for our lives and the desire to be in control.

Practicing personal responsibility is about making choices, in advance, of ways we will think, speak and act in our lives. This could be considered a personal standard of operation and requires a certain degree of self-mastery and a regular practice of Gratitude.

The desire to control people and their thoughts, words or actions is usually generated from a regressed emotional age, an old wound in which we felt powerless and it is a chosen attitude. This belief that we can control others is an illusion and quite honestly, a manipulation because we can never really control another person’s thoughts, words or actions without their buy-in, their permission, of which they may have no conscious understanding. From an emotionally mature perspective, we understand that and have no desire or need to control others or be controlled by others.

A Grateful heart for all that we already have within us is the greatest antidote to control issues and self-pity that I know of. Begin your practice of creating a gratitude list daily. It only takes a few minutes, but they are mighty minutes.  Think of five things you can be grateful for right now and jot them down.